The Internet's Sharpest Humor Archive.

I called customer service to complain that my new alarm clock was too aggressive. The representative asked what it said when it woke me up. I told her, and she transferred me to…

Our office introduced walking meetings to boost creativity. My manager said we should keep moving until someone had a breakthrough. Three weeks later, we have no idea what the m…

Our office installed a wellness room with a meditation app. It tells us to release our stress, observe our thoughts, and accept what we cannot control. Then it emails my manager…

I returned a self-help book because it made me feel worse about myself. The cashier asked what was wrong with it. I said it spent three chapters explaining why I was the problem…

My dentist said I needed to floss more, so I bought a tiny motivational speaker for my bathroom. Every night, it gives me a five-minute speech about taking control of my life. I…

I returned a blender because it made a terrible noise and shook the counter. The cashier asked whether I had tried using the lid. I said yes, but only after the cat came back do…

I bought a planner to organize my life. The first page asked me to list my priorities. I closed it immediately so I could focus on the most important one: avoiding commitments.

My internet keeps dropping every evening, so I called support. The agent had me restart the router, check every device, and move closer to the signal. Then I realized the proble…

My dog watched me assemble a bookshelf for two hours without blinking. When I finally finished, he knocked it over and looked at me like I had just submitted a rough draft.

At the grocery store, I tried a free sample of a new diet snack and asked what was in it. The employee said, Mostly optimism—we ran out of ingredients halfway through testing.

I bought a smart fridge that tracks expiration dates and suggests recipes. After analyzing my eating habits for a week, it stopped recommending dinner and started recommending a…

I tried to return a pair of headphones because they were uncomfortable. The cashier asked whether I had worn them, and I said yes. She nodded and said, That is usually how we di…

I called customer service because my new vacuum kept turning itself off. The agent asked whether it was plugged in, and I said it only quits when I start cleaning. She said that…

At 40, I started writing down why I entered each room. It worked perfectly until I forgot where I kept the notebook. Now I’m not aging; I’m creating a scavenger hunt with no pri…

My manager announced that our office was a family, so I asked whether we had family meetings and passive-aggressive holiday dinners. He said no, but we did have one family tradi…

I called a hotel to complain that my room had no view. The clerk asked me to open the curtains and describe what I saw. I said, Mostly another guest doing the same thing, so tec…

I called customer service because my new vacuum kept turning itself off. The representative asked whether it was plugged in, and I said yes, unless it had developed boundaries. …

My phone suggested I turn on sleep mode after midnight, but I ignored it and kept scrolling. A few minutes later, it opened the front camera and showed me my own face. Nothing e…

I called customer service to complain that my new vacuum had no suction. The representative asked whether I had plugged it in. I said yes, but only emotionally; the vacuum is st…

I called customer service because my smart speaker kept answering questions I had never asked. The representative told me to unplug it and see whether the problem continued. I d…

My grocery store installed a self-checkout that congratulates you after every item. By the time I paid, it had called me brave, patient, and a threat to the economy.

I asked my smart speaker to help me relax. It dimmed the lights, played ocean sounds, and ordered me a replacement router. Apparently, even my anxiety has a loading screen.

I called customer service because my new alarm clock was too quiet. The representative asked me to describe the problem, so I whispered, I think you already know.