The Internet's Sharpest Humor Archive.

I bought a motion-activated trash can to make my kitchen feel futuristic. It opened every time I walked past, so I started avoiding eye contact with it. Now we live together lik…

I tried to return a pair of shoes because they were uncomfortable, and the cashier asked whether I had worn them outside. I said no, so she inspected them carefully and nodded. …

I tried to return a treadmill after realizing I had only used it to hang clothes. The cashier asked if it was defective. I said, No, it works perfectly—I’m the defective part.

I called customer service because my new alarm clock was waking me up ten minutes before it rang. The agent checked the settings and said everything was working perfectly. Appar…

I called customer service because my new vacuum cleaner kept stopping halfway through the living room. The representative asked me to check whether it was plugged in, then congr…

I tried returning a toaster because it kept burning my bread. The clerk asked whether I had tried using a lower setting. I said yes, but apparently the toaster has the same prob…

My smart fridge started sending me reminders to eat healthier. I asked how it knew what I was eating, and it said it had been tracking my snacks. Then it recommended I install a…

I called customer service because my new vacuum cleaner was making a terrible noise. The representative asked me to describe it, so I said it sounded like a dying robot trapped …

I bought a voice-controlled trash can to make chores easier. It opens whenever I say, This is ridiculous, so now it has better emotional timing than most people I know.

My doctor told me I should start listening to my body. I did, and now we’re both pretending that noise was nothing.

My neighbor installed a motion-sensor light because he wanted to feel safer at night. Now he walks past it slowly, waiting for it to recognize him. He says it is the only relati…

My neighbor offered to water my plants while I was away, so I gave him a detailed schedule and a tiny measuring cup. When I got home, every plant was perfectly healthy, but my n…

My aunt bought a smart speaker to make her mornings easier. She asked it for a cheerful reminder, and it announced that she had a dentist appointment at nine and a personality a…

I called customer service because my smart fridge kept judging everything I bought. The representative asked me to describe the problem in one sentence. It already did.

I called customer service to cancel my gym membership, and the automated system asked me to press one if I wanted to improve my life. I pressed two for a human, then spent forty…

A man returned a self-help book to a bookstore because it had not improved his life. The clerk asked whether he had followed the exercises. He said he had started with the chapt…

I returned a blender because it was too quiet. The clerk asked what I expected from a kitchen appliance. I said, A little noise—I bought it to drown out my family, and it is not…

My neighbor installed a doorbell camera and said it made him feel safer. I asked whether it had caught any criminals. He said no, but it has captured enough footage of him carry…

I tried to return a planner because every page was blank. The clerk asked whether I had used it yet. I said no, and she refunded me immediately—apparently that was the first suc…

My grocery delivery app asked me to rate the driver from one to five stars. I gave him five, but the app said, Please be more specific. So I typed, He arrived before I had time …

My neighbor installed motion-sensor lights to scare away burglars. Now every time he takes out the trash, the whole driveway lights up, and he takes a bow like the burglars just…

I called customer service because my smart fridge kept ordering groceries I did not need. The agent suggested unplugging it for a minute. I did, and somehow it ordered a second …

I returned a blender because it was too loud, and the cashier asked whether I still had the receipt. I said yes, but unfortunately it was also too loud, so I returned that too.