The Internet's Sharpest Humor Archive.

I bought a planner to organize my life, but the first page said January and it was already March. The store offered an exchange, but I declined because I am not ready to make th…

My neighbor knocked on my door and asked if I could keep an eye on his house while he was away. I said I’d be happy to, so he handed me a chair and pointed it at the window.

I called customer service, and the automated system asked me to describe my problem in one word. I said, Unresolved. It transferred me to Customer Retention, which apparently me…

At the airport, I watched a man argue with a self-check-in kiosk because it kept asking whether he had packed his own bags. He finally shouted that he was an adult, and the mach…

My phone warned me that six hours of screen time was unhealthy and suggested I go outside. I told it to mind its own business, so it opened the weather app to prove it had been …

I returned a self-help book because it made me feel worse about myself. The clerk asked what was wrong with it. Now I am the same person, but apparently with a return policy.

I returned a blender because it made a terrible noise and barely worked. The customer service agent asked whether I had tried turning it off and on again. I said yes, and now my…

I contacted customer service because my office chair kept sinking while I worked. The representative asked whether I had tried adjusting the height. I said yes, but apparently t…

I called customer service to complain that their hold music was too relaxing. After twenty minutes, the agent apologized and asked whether I still wanted help. I said no—I had a…

I returned a blender because it was too loud, and the cashier asked whether I had tried using it on a lower setting. I said yes, but my neighbors still knew exactly what I was m…

A woman returned a treadmill to a sporting-goods store, insisting it was defective because she had never managed to use it. The clerk asked whether she had plugged it in. She sa…

On my first day at the office, my manager said they valued initiative. So I immediately asked where the coffee was and started organizing a search party. By lunch, I was promote…

A man returned a toaster because it only toasted one side of his bread. The clerk tested it, watched one slice emerge perfectly browned on the left, and said the appliance was w…

I joined a pottery class to become more creative. The instructor told us to let the clay speak to us. Mine said, Please stop poking me; you clearly have no plan.

My grandfather bought a smartwatch that keeps reminding him to stand up every hour. He says at his age, if he stands up without help, the watch should call an ambulance.

I called customer service to complain that my new alarm clock was too aggressive. The representative asked whether I wanted a gentler model. I said yes, preferably one that wake…

I called customer service because my new vacuum cleaner kept shutting off after thirty seconds. The representative asked if anything was blocking the airflow, so I checked the h…

I hired a dog trainer because my dog kept ignoring every command. After one session, the trainer said, Good news—your dog understands everything. Bad news—he has been pretending…

At the hardware store, I asked for something to fix my squeaky door. The employee handed me a tiny bottle of oil and promised it would make the door whisper. I bought it because…

I called customer service to ask whether my new vacuum had a warranty. They said it covered manufacturing defects, but not damage caused by misuse. I said, I only misused it by …

I called customer service to cancel my gym membership. The representative put me on hold for forty minutes, then asked me to confirm my identity. I said, If I could still prove …

I asked the waiter if the soup was homemade. He said it was, until the chef tasted it. Now it is being investigated as a workplace accident.

I emailed a company to complain that its online form had too many required fields. The reply asked me to describe the issue in 500 characters, attach a screenshot, and confirm I…