The Internet's Sharpest Humor Archive.

I called customer service because my toaster kept burning one side of my bread. The agent said they would transfer me to someone who handles uneven relationships. After six minu…

I joined a neighborhood watch after our street had three package thefts in one week. At the first meeting, everyone chose a window to monitor, and I got the kitchen. I have now …

My neighbor installed a motion-activated light so bright, every time I take out the trash, his house looks like it is being interrogated. I waved at the camera to prove I was in…

My daughter asked why our family keeps so many useless things in the attic. I told her they were memories, and she pointed at a broken lamp and asked what beautiful moment it re…

My new refrigerator is connected to the internet, so it sends me reminders when I am running low on groceries. Last night, it sent an alert saying I was running low on self-cont…

At my performance review, my manager said I needed to show more initiative. So I scheduled a meeting to discuss whose initiative that should be. He said I was ready for manageme…

I tried to return a scented candle because it reminded me of my ex. The cashier asked whether it was unused. I said emotionally, absolutely.

I called customer service because my new vacuum kept turning off whenever I used it. The representative asked me to check whether it was plugged in, and I said yes. She paused a…

My neighbor knocked on my door and asked if I had a ladder he could borrow. I said yes, so he took it and disappeared for three days. When he finally returned it, he thanked me …

My boss asked me to stop treating the office printer like a coworker. I said I would, but the printer is the only one here who responds immediately when I press its buttons.

My neighbor asked me to watch his house while he was away, so I spent three days in a lawn chair, taking notes on every suspicious cloud. He meant checking the mail, but now the…

A man returned a self-help book after one day, saying it had changed nothing. The clerk asked whether he had followed the exercises. He said yes, but the book told him to stop b…

I called my internet provider because the connection kept dropping. The agent told me to restart the router, then asked whether I had tried turning myself off and on again. Afte…

I called customer service because my new printer kept saying it was offline, even though it was sitting right beside me. The representative asked me to check whether it was conn…

My manager said I need to be more visible at work, so I put a life-sized cardboard cutout of myself in the office. It has already attended three meetings, received two complimen…

At the self-checkout, the machine asked if I wanted to donate a dollar. I pressed no, and it made the same disappointed beep it uses when I forget to remove an item. Apparently …

My phone asked me to prove I was not a robot by selecting every picture containing a traffic light. I passed on the third try, but it still locked me out because apparently huma…

My new neighbor introduced himself as a very private person, so I promised never to ask him anything personal. He immediately asked for my Wi-Fi password and explained that he p…

I spent forty minutes on hold listening to cheerful music designed to keep me calm. It worked so well that when a representative finally answered, I apologized for interrupting …

During our video meeting, my manager asked everyone to share one thing they were working on. I said I was trying to look productive while secretly checking whether my camera was…

I called customer service because my smart speaker kept answering questions I had not asked. The representative said it was not defective; it was anticipating my needs. Now it o…

I called customer service to complain that my smart fridge kept ordering healthy food. The representative asked whether I had enabled grocery automation. I said, No, but apparen…

I bought a planner to organize my life. On the first page, I wrote Make better decisions, then spent forty minutes choosing a font for it. The planner is already working: it hel…