The Internet's Sharpest Humor Archive.

I returned a blender because it was too loud, and the customer-service clerk asked whether I had tried using it on a lower setting. I said, I did, but then it only screamed quie…

I called customer service to complain that my new alarm clock was too loud. The representative asked whether I had tried turning it down. I said I cannot—it only has one setting…

I called customer service because my new vacuum kept leaving dust behind. The representative asked whether I had tried turning it off and on again. I said yes, and now it has a …

I returned a blender because it made a terrible noise and the customer-service agent asked whether I had tried turning it off and on again. I said yes, but it still sounded like…

My smart fridge sent me a notification saying I was out of snacks. I opened the door to check, and it immediately updated the notification: You are also out of self-control.

My new smart doorbell sends alerts whenever someone approaches, so I installed it to feel safer. Yesterday it notified me that I was standing outside my own house looking suspic…

I called customer service to complain that my new vacuum cleaner was making a strange noise. The representative asked me to describe it, so I said, It sounds like a tiny airplan…

I called customer service because my new alarm clock kept going off at random. The agent asked me to describe the sound, then calmly said, That is not an alarm clock; that is yo…

I bought a hamper that sorts clothes by color, fabric, and washing temperature. It even sends reminders when something has been sitting too long. Apparently, it has already file…

My neighbor offered to water my plants while I was away, so I gave him a key and a detailed schedule. When I returned, every plant was thriving and my living room had been rearr…

I bought a smart scale that tracks my weight, body fat, and fitness goals. This morning it connected to my phone and asked whether I wanted to set a realistic target. I unplugge…

I tried to return a treadmill because it kept moving away from my fitness goals. The clerk examined the receipt and asked whether I had used it. I said, Only emotionally, and sh…

I adopted a rescue dog who had trust issues. The shelter said he needed patience, routine, and a quiet home. So naturally, he chose me—the man who once lost a staring contest wi…

My smartwatch has become extremely encouraging. Yesterday it congratulated me for standing up, and I felt proud until I realized it had mistaken dropping my phone for a fitness …

At a job interview, I was asked whether I worked well under pressure. I said yes, then noticed the interviewer’s pen was leaking and spent the next minute saving the table. I di…

I bought a planner to get control of my life. I scheduled exercise, meal prep, reading, and an hour each day to plan tomorrow. By Friday, my planner was the busiest person I knew.

I called customer service because my new vacuum kept making a strange noise. The agent asked me to describe it, so I said it sounded like a tiny helicopter trapped in a cupboard…

I returned a blender because it kept making a terrible noise whenever I used it. The clerk tested it, nodded seriously, and said, We can replace the motor, but the smoothie is p…

I returned a blender because it kept making a terrible noise, and the cashier asked whether I had tried turning it off and on again. I said yes, but it still sounds like it is t…

My smart doorbell sent me an alert saying, Person detected. I opened the app and saw myself standing on the porch. Then it asked whether I wanted to report suspicious activity.

I joined a gym that promised personal attention. The trainer watched me sign the contract and said, Great, you have already completed today’s paperwork. I have never been closer…

I bought a treadmill online and returned it a week later because it had barely moved. The customer-service agent asked whether I had used it. I said, No, I thought the whole poi…

I called customer service to cancel a subscription, and after three menus and two security questions, a cheerful representative finally answered. I explained that I wanted to le…