The Internet's Sharpest Humor Archive.

On the train, I sat in the Quiet Car and accidentally sneezed. Three passengers looked at me like I had announced a merger; apparently, the only acceptable sound is the train ex…

My daughter asked why adults always say they need a vacation. I told her adulthood is a group project where everyone is tired and nobody knows the password. She said, So school …

I called customer service to complain that my new vacuum cleaner had stopped working. The representative asked me to check whether it was plugged in, so I did—and discovered I h…

I called customer service to complain that my new alarm clock was too quiet. They asked whether I had turned it on, so I said yes, but only during business hours. Apparently, th…

I called customer service because my new alarm clock kept apologizing before it rang. The agent asked whether I had checked the manual, and I said yes—it says, If the problem pe…

I called customer service because my new vacuum kept turning off whenever I entered the room. The agent asked whether I had tried unplugging it and plugging it back in. I said y…

I called customer service because my vacuum cleaner had stopped working. The representative asked me to hold while she checked the warranty, and after ten minutes I realized the…

At the self-checkout, the machine told me to place the item in the bagging area. I did, and it immediately accused me of removing an item. I have never felt so judged by somethi…

I returned a blender because it made a terrible noise whenever I turned it on. The cashier asked whether I had tried using the lid. I said yes, but it only screamed louder.

My new neighbor apologized for the noise coming from his apartment every morning. I told him it was fine, but asked what he was doing at 5 a.m. He said, Nothing much, just pract…

I called customer service because my new printer kept saying it was offline. The technician asked whether I had plugged it in, and I assured him I had, because I like my electro…

My grandfather started wearing a smartwatch to monitor his health. It congratulated him for standing up, so now he gets out of his chair every hour just to receive applause from…

My neighbor complained that my dog was barking all night, so I apologized and promised to talk to him. The next morning, my neighbor knocked on the door and asked what I had sai…

My phone suggested I take a break because I had been staring at the screen for six hours. I ignored it, naturally; I do not take life advice from something that needs charging t…

I called customer service because my smart vacuum kept getting stuck under the sofa. The agent asked whether I had tried turning it off and on again. I said yes, but now it just…

I returned a self-help book because it promised to cure my indecision, but I could not decide whether it was working. The cashier asked what I wanted instead, so I stood there f…

I set my phone to grayscale to reduce my screen time. Now I spend even longer staring at it, trying to find the color.

My smart speaker has started answering questions I have not asked. Yesterday I walked into the kitchen and it said I looked tired. I unplugged it, but now the toaster is making …

My new refrigerator sends me a notification every time I open the door. After a week, it stopped suggesting healthier snacks and started sending me job listings. Apparently, eve…

I called customer service to complain that my new alarm clock was too loud. The representative asked whether I had tried lowering the volume. I said, Of course—I lowered it to 6…

My smart fridge started ordering groceries without asking. Customer service told me to unplug it, so I did—and it immediately ordered a new extension cord. Apparently, the only …

I returned my smart speaker because it kept misunderstanding me. When I asked for relaxing music, it ordered a yoga mat and scheduled me for therapy.

My new robot vacuum kept getting stuck under the sofa, so I called customer service. The agent told me to move the furniture, clear the floor, and build a small ramp. At that po…