The Internet's Sharpest Humor Archive.

At a yard sale, I bought a diary marked Do Not Read, assuming it was a clever way to sell it. The only entry said, Finally, someone listened.

I called customer service to complain that my new alarm clock was waking me up too early. The representative asked what time I wanted it to ring. I said I was not sure, because …

I called customer service because my vacuum kept turning itself off. The agent asked whether it made any unusual sounds, and I said it only became silent when I entered the room…

My fitness watch congratulated me for reaching my daily step goal. I was thrilled until I realized it had been counting the steps I took while pacing beside the fridge, deciding…

My smart fridge started sending me health warnings whenever I bought ice cream. I unplugged it, but it kept judging me through the freezer light. Apparently, even appliances kno…

I bought a smart refrigerator that tracks my eating habits. After three days of pizza, it stopped recommending recipes and started suggesting a therapist. The vegetables inside …

My smartwatch congratulated me for standing up eight times today. I felt proud until it clarified that six were bathroom emergencies and the other two were just me reaching for …

I bought a smart bathroom scale that connects to my phone, tracks my weight, and gives motivational advice. This morning it synced with my calendar and marked my birthday as a r…

I joined a gym that promised a judgment-free environment. On my first day, the treadmill asked whether I wanted to continue or save my progress. I chose save, because apparently…

My neighbor asked me to stop practicing the piano at midnight. I told him I do not own a piano. He said, Perfect, then you will not mind if I move mine through your living room.

My smart speaker started giving me unsolicited advice, so I unplugged it and put it in a drawer. Three days later, my phone sent me a notification: Your device has detected a pe…

I bought a smart speaker to make my mornings more efficient. It reminded me to drink water, stretch, and leave for work early. By the third day, I had renamed it Mom and started…

My brother bought a smart fridge that tracks expiration dates and reminds him to eat things before they spoil. Yesterday, it warned him about the yogurt, then locked the door. A…

I called customer service because my new smart speaker kept misunderstanding me. After twenty minutes of troubleshooting, the representative said, Please try speaking more clear…

My manager asked why I keep taking breaks to stare out the window. I said I was using the company’s new focus technique: alternating between deep work and deep concern about bei…

I called customer service to complain that my new phone was ignoring me. The representative asked me to restart it, so I did—and now it ignores me with a fresh attitude.

My new vacuum started making a terrible whining noise, so I called customer service. The representative asked me to describe it, and I said the noise begins when I turn it on an…

I returned a toaster because it kept burning my bread. The cashier asked whether I had tried using a lower setting. I said yes, but then it started judging my breakfast.

I tried returning a self-help book because it was not helping. The cashier asked what was wrong with it, so I explained that it kept telling me to take responsibility—and I was …

I returned a blender because it made a terrible noise and turned everything into soup. The customer-service agent tested it, nodded thoughtfully, and said the machine was workin…

I called customer service because my smart speaker kept answering questions before I asked them. The agent said it sounded like a privacy issue. I said, I know—it just interrupt…

My dad bought a smart speaker and spent a week politely asking it to play music. It ignored him every time, so he finally shouted at it. Now it plays his favorite songs perfectl…

I called customer service to cancel a subscription I had forgotten about. After forty minutes, three transfers, and a survey asking how likely I was to recommend them, the agent…