The Internet's Sharpest Humor Archive.

I returned a blender because it kept making a terrible noise. The store clerk asked whether I had tried turning it off. I said yes, but then it started making the noise in my dr…

I called customer service and spent twenty minutes listening to cheerful music while waiting for help. When someone finally answered, I was so relieved I thanked them for the co…

I called customer service and spent twenty minutes explaining my problem to a menu that kept saying, Please listen carefully. When I finally reached a human, she asked me to pre…

I called customer service to cancel a gym membership I forgot I had. The agent asked why I was leaving, so I explained that its most-used feature was charging me for not going. …

I tried to return a calendar because it had too many dates. The clerk said that was not a valid reason, so I asked if I could exchange it for something with fewer commitments.

I called customer service because my phone kept putting me on hold whenever I tried to use it. The agent said she would transfer me to the right department, then my phone placed…

I downloaded a fitness app that asked for my age, weight, and goals. I entered 42, lose ten pounds, and stop making noises when I stand up. It replied: Please choose one realist…

I asked a store clerk whether they accept returns without a receipt. She said yes, but only if I could prove I had ever been happy with the purchase. That was less a return poli…

My dentist said I needed to floss more, so I bought a water flosser, an electric flosser, and a little mirror. At my next appointment, she asked whether I had been flossing. I s…

I called customer service to cancel a subscription I never signed up for. The representative asked me to verify my identity by answering three security questions, including what…

My phone’s health app congratulated me for walking 10,000 steps. I told it most of them happened in the supermarket while I tried to remember why I went in. It rewarded me with …

I tried returning a blender because it made a terrible noise. The clerk asked whether I had read the manual, so I said yes. He nodded and said, Great, then you already know it w…

My smart fridge sent me a notification saying I had left the door open. I replied that I was still deciding what to eat. It sent back: Take your time—I have already judged your …

My smart toaster asked whether I wanted my bread lightly browned, golden, or completely forgotten in the middle of an important email. I said golden, and it replied, Perfect—I’l…

I tried to return a sweater because it was too small, but the cashier asked whether I had worn it. I said, only emotionally.

My cat learned to open the cupboard where we keep her treats, so I installed a childproof lock. She studied it for ten minutes, then walked away and stared at me until I felt li…

My phone updated overnight and asked me to accept 47 new permissions. I said no, so it immediately changed my wallpaper to a picture of me looking disappointed. Apparently, it d…

Our manager announced a mandatory meeting about improving productivity, so everyone arrived early and brought laptops. Forty minutes in, she said the meeting had been so product…

I called customer service because my smart speaker kept misunderstanding me. The agent suggested I speak more clearly, so I slowly asked for a refund. The speaker ordered 400 ga…

My daughter asked why our family keeps old receipts in a drawer. I told her they were for emergencies. She found one from 2014 and said, Good, if we ever need proof we were conf…

My neighbor installed a motion-activated floodlight to stop people stealing his packages. Now every time he walks to his own front door, the house shines like he is being arrest…

I contacted my internet provider because my connection kept dropping. The representative told me to unplug the router, wait thirty seconds, and plug it back in, then put me on h…

I called customer service because my smart speaker kept misunderstanding me. The representative said, Please try speaking more clearly, so I whispered my problem—and now the spe…