The Internet's Sharpest Humor Archive.

On my first day, my manager said we were a family here, so I brought a covered dish to my performance review. Apparently, the only thing they wanted me to contribute was unpaid …

My neighbor asked if I could watch his house while he was away. I said sure, then spent the whole weekend staring through the curtains for suspicious activity. By Sunday night, …

My family created a group chat called Emergency Only. Within an hour, it had 63 messages about a missing phone charger, a photo of someone’s knee, and my uncle asking whether an…

At dinner, my daughter announced that she was old enough to make her own decisions. I asked what decision she had made. She said she was going to let me keep paying for them.

I bought a self-help book called How to Make Better Decisions, then spent forty minutes deciding whether to keep it. I finally returned it because the book had terrible advice: …

My smart fridge started sending me reminders to eat healthier. Yesterday, it scanned my leftover cake and asked whether I wanted to schedule a meeting with my doctor. I unplugge…

My neighbor offered to watch my house while I was away, so I gave him a spare key and a list of emergency contacts. When I returned, everything was exactly as I left it, except …

My phone asked me to add an emergency contact, so I chose my sister. It then asked whether she would answer immediately, know what to do, and remain calm under pressure. I said …

I called customer service to cancel my gym membership, and the representative put me on hold while she checked my account. After twenty minutes of calming piano music, I realize…

I called customer service because my internet kept cutting out, and the representative put me on hold to check the line. After ten minutes, she returned and said, We found the p…

My cat has started bringing me gifts: a sock, a bottle cap, and one alarming-looking leaf. Yesterday she dropped a toy mouse at my feet and waited proudly. I finally realized sh…

I returned a blender because it made a terrible noise and never actually blended anything. The cashier tested it, nodded seriously, and said, This is not a blender; it is a very…

I bought a shirt online that promised to make me look more confident. It arrived three sizes too small, so I wore it to the store to complain. The cashier said it looked great a…

My daughter asked why our family keeps a junk drawer. I told her every home needs one place where useless things can feel important. She opened it, found my old business cards, …

I tried to return a sweater because it made me look like a confused lighthouse. The cashier inspected it, sighed, and said it was clearly a personal problem.

I called customer service to cancel my gym membership, and the automated system asked me to press 1 if I wanted to lose weight, 2 if I wanted to save money, or 3 if I enjoyed be…

My laptop forced me to change my password because it said my old one was too weak. I tried every variation of my childhood pet’s name, my birthday, and the word password, but th…

At the airport, I watched a man argue with the self-check-in kiosk for ten minutes. He finally announced that he knew what he was doing, and the machine printed him an emotional…

My neighbor installed a motion sensor that says Welcome home whenever I walk past his porch. I told him I do not live there. He said he knows, but even his house thinks I deserv…

I boarded the train’s quiet car and proudly made it twenty minutes without saying a word. Then my stomach growled so loudly that a woman across the aisle whispered, Please keep …

I returned a blender because it made smoothies too loudly. The customer-service agent asked whether I had tried turning it down. I said yes, but it only whispered and started ju…

I called customer service because my smart speaker kept answering questions I had not asked. The agent put me on hold to consult a specialist. The speaker immediately whispered,…

I tried to return a treadmill because it was defective. The clerk asked what was wrong with it, so I said, It keeps promising to change my life, then just sits there judging me.