The Internet's Sharpest Humor Archive.

I returned a blender because it was too loud, and the customer-service clerk asked whether I had tried using it on a quieter setting. I said I had, but the smoothie still kept i…

My new neighbor installed a motion-activated spotlight that shines into my bedroom window. I complained, so he added a second one to make sure I could read the apology.

I called tech support because my printer kept making a strange noise. The agent asked me to describe it, so I said, It sounds like a tiny helicopter trapped in a cupboard. She p…

My neighbor asked me to watch his house while he was away, so he gave me a key and a list of emergency contacts. The first emergency was his Wi-Fi going down, because he called …

During my performance review, my boss said I needed to show more initiative. So I arrived early, reorganized the entire office, and replaced his motivational poster with a pictu…

I called customer service because my package had been marked delivered, but there was nothing at my door. The representative asked me to check with my neighbors, so I did—and no…

My cat ignores me all day, then follows me into the bathroom and stares. I assumed it was affection until I realized she was supervising the only task I do without her assistance.

The self-checkout asked if I wanted to round up my total to support local schools. I said no, and it froze long enough for an employee to come over and ask if everything was oka…

I called customer service because my vacuum cleaner had stopped working, and the representative patiently walked me through every troubleshooting step. After twenty minutes, she…

My neighbor offered to help me move a heavy sofa, so I gratefully accepted. He arrived with a clipboard, measured every doorway, and spent twenty minutes studying the room. Then…

I called customer service because my new vacuum kept turning itself off. The agent asked whether anything unusual happened just before it stopped, so I said, I usually turn it o…

I called customer service because my smart speaker kept misunderstanding me. After twenty minutes, the representative said, Please unplug it and try speaking to someone who list…

At the library, I asked the self-checkout machine if my book was overdue. It flashed PLEASE SEE STAFF, so I went to the desk, where the librarian scanned the book and my card. S…

I called customer service to cancel a subscription I never signed up for. After forty minutes, the representative said, Please stay on the line for a brief survey about your exp…

Our office printer has an Eco Mode that asks whether you really need each document. I clicked yes, and it printed a second page asking whether I really needed this job.

At the airport, a self-check-in kiosk asked whether I needed assistance. I pressed yes, and it immediately printed a boarding pass for someone more capable.

Our office installed a wellness room with a meditation chair, a water fountain, and a sign encouraging employees to breathe. I went in during a meeting and finally understood it…

I used a self-checkout for three items, and it asked me to place each one in the bagging area like I was introducing them to a witness. When it finally said Unexpected item, I r…

I tried to return a self-help book because it made me feel worse about myself. The clerk asked whether I had followed the instructions. I said yes, and now I’m disappointed in t…

My dentist said I grind my teeth at night, so I bought a sleep recorder. It captured me whispering, This is the last time I let a dentist sell me anything. Apparently, my subcon…

I downloaded a budgeting app that promised to change my relationship with money. It studied my spending for three days and sent a notification saying we need to talk. My bank ac…

I called customer service because my smart speaker kept misunderstanding me. After twenty minutes of troubleshooting, the agent asked me to say the command more clearly. So I sl…

Our manager installed a calendar app that reminds us about every deadline. It also sends a daily notification asking whether we made any progress. I finally clicked no, and the …