The Internet's Sharpest Humor Archive.

I called customer service because my new alarm clock kept going off at 6 a.m. The agent asked whether I had tried changing the time. I said I was hoping to negotiate with it fir…

My neighbor installed a motion-activated light after complaining that people kept sneaking around his driveway. Now every time I take out the trash, his house applauds.

My boss introduced a new system designed to eliminate unnecessary meetings. We celebrated by scheduling a meeting to discuss which meetings were unnecessary. It lasted three hou…

My phone warned me I was running out of storage, so I deleted 2,000 photos. It immediately said I had freed enough space for 14,000 more. Apparently, even my phone believes I am…

During my performance review, my manager asked where I saw myself in five years. I said, Hopefully in a company that still remembers this question. He wrote down ambitious, whic…

I called customer service because my new vacuum had stopped working. The agent asked whether I had tried turning it off and on again. I said it had been off for three days. She …

At the self-checkout, the machine asked if I wanted to donate a dollar to charity. I tapped no, and it immediately summoned an employee. Apparently the machine believes my shopp…

The self-checkout machine asked me to place my item in the bagging area, so I did. Then it announced an unexpected item and summoned an employee. Apparently, even the machine th…

I bought a smart doorbell that recognizes faces and sends alerts to my phone. Yesterday it warned me about a suspicious person approaching, so I checked the camera and saw mysel…

I bought a smart speaker for my kitchen and spent an hour teaching it my voice. Now it recognizes every command perfectly, but still ignores me when I ask it to play something r…

I called customer service because my smart refrigerator kept ordering groceries I never wanted. The agent said it had learned my preferences. Apparently, my fridge knows me well…

I called customer service because my vacuum cleaner kept turning itself off. The representative asked whether it was plugged in, and I said yes, into the wall. She paused and sa…

I returned a blender because it made a terrible noise and barely blended anything. The customer-service clerk tested it, nodded thoughtfully, and said, Please leave it here; we …

I returned a blender because it kept making a terrible noise. The clerk asked whether I had tried turning it off and on again. I said yes, but now it only screams in two differe…

My neighbor installed a motion-activated light because he was tired of people sneaking onto his porch. It now illuminates squirrels, stray cats, and me returning the ladder I bo…

I called customer service because my new smart speaker kept ignoring me. The representative asked whether I had tried speaking clearly, so I said yes. She replied, Great, then i…

My boss asked me to lead a meeting about time management. I spent twenty minutes explaining that I had prepared an agenda, then realized I had sent everyone my grocery list. The…

I called customer service because my new alarm clock kept going off at 6 a.m., even though I had set it for 7. The representative asked me to check whether I had accidentally se…

I bought a voice assistant for my kitchen to help me cook. I asked how long to boil an egg, and it reminded me that I had searched that three times already. I did not buy an ass…

My new neighbor apologized for making so much noise while moving in. I told him it was fine, because I had already learned everything about his furniture from the ceiling. He sa…

My boss asked why I was late, so I showed him my calendar, which said Leave by 8:00. He said that was not an explanation. I told him it was the most optimistic meeting on my sch…

Our new neighbor introduced himself as a professional sound engineer. I assumed that meant he could identify the strange noise coming from our attic. He listened for ten seconds…

I tried to return a self-help book because it wasn’t working. The clerk asked whether I had followed the instructions. I got to the chapter about taking responsibility and decid…