The Internet's Sharpest Humor Archive.

At a restaurant, I asked the waiter whether the soup was homemade. He said, Absolutely—the chef made it this morning. I said, That’s not what I meant, and he replied, I know, bu…

I contacted customer support because my new vacuum cleaner kept turning itself off. The agent asked whether it was plugged in, and I said yes. She replied, Great, then it has al…

I started meal-prepping to save money. By Wednesday, my lunches had formed a committee and voted to order pizza. Democracy is expensive.

I called customer service because my blender had started making a sad little whimper every time I used it. The representative said it was still under warranty and asked whether …

I called customer service because my new alarm clock was too judgmental. They asked how I knew. It only rings on weekdays, so apparently it has a job and I do not.

My mom changed the Wi-Fi password after my brother gave it to all his friends. When I asked what the new password was, she said, 'You should know it—it’s your birthday.' I tried…

I returned a smart speaker because it kept misunderstanding me. The employee tested it by asking what it wanted for dinner, and it ordered a replacement employee.

I called customer service because my new vacuum kept turning off whenever I walked past it. The agent asked whether it was plugged in, and I said yes, but only emotionally. She …

I returned a blender because it made an awful noise whenever I turned it on. The cashier asked whether I had tried using the lid, so I said yes. She refunded me anyway because a…

I returned a blender because it made a terrible noise and never actually blended anything. The customer-service clerk tested it, nodded thoughtfully, and offered me store credit…

I called customer service because my smart speaker had started judging my life choices. The representative asked me to unplug it, then put me on hold so the speaker could explai…

The self-checkout asked if I wanted to donate a dollar, and I said no. Then it asked me to rate my experience. I said five stars, and it immediately asked me to donate five doll…

My phone suggested I take a break from screens, so I put it face down and went outside. Within five minutes, it sent an emergency alert to my smartwatch. Apparently, my devices …

I returned a sweater because it was too small, and the cashier asked whether I wanted a larger size. I said no, I was returning it for emotional reasons—it had made me feel judg…

My neighbor installed a doorbell camera and proudly told me it had facial recognition. It keeps labeling me as a delivery driver because I only visit when I’m carrying something…

My smart fridge started sending me reminders to buy healthier food. I unplugged it, and now it just silently judges me with a light every time I open the door.

My smart doorbell is extremely cautious. Yesterday it alerted me that someone familiar was at the door, so I rushed home; when I arrived, it asked me to prove I lived there. App…

At the grocery store, a toddler dropped a cookie and shouted, Five-second rule! His mother said that rule was for food, not public behavior. He picked up the cookie, looked at t…

I bought a smart toaster online, but it arrived with no instructions—only a QR code. I scanned it, and the website asked me to prove I was not a robot before explaining how to m…

I took a blender back to the store because it kept making smoothies with the confidence of a weather reporter. The clerk asked what was wrong with it, and I said it had one spee…

I called customer service to report that my new smart toaster was ignoring me. The agent asked whether I had tried turning it off and on again. I said yes, but now it just flash…

I called customer service to report that my new vacuum had stopped working. The representative asked me to check whether it was plugged in. It was, but apparently it had been pr…

I set my phone to remind me to drink more water. It now sends the reminder while I’m in the shower, which feels less like health coaching and more like surveillance from a very …