The Internet's Sharpest Humor Archive.

I called customer service because my new alarm clock was making me late every morning. The agent asked whether I had set it correctly, and I said I had set it for 6:30, placed i…

I called customer service because my new vacuum kept turning itself off. The representative asked whether it was plugged in, and I said yes, but only emotionally. She transferre…

I installed a smart thermostat that learns my habits. Now it lowers the temperature whenever I open my bank app, so at least one device understands financial panic.

I called customer service because my phone kept putting me on hold by itself. The agent transferred me to technical support, and technical support transferred me to billing. By …

I returned a blender because it made a terrible noise and never blended anything. The cashier tested it, listened carefully, and said, That is not a blender; that is our store m…

My neighbor asked me to watch his house while he was away, so I spent the weekend checking every window, door, and suspicious shadow. When he returned, he asked whether anything…

My neighbor offered to water my plants while I was away, so I gave him detailed instructions and a spare key. When I returned, every plant was thriving, but my living room was f…

I started using a meditation app that promises to clear my mind. It is working beautifully; now I can worry about everything in alphabetical order.

I bought a smart fridge that sends alerts when my food is about to expire. This morning, it started sending reminders about my life choices. I unplugged it, and now it just judg…

I called customer service because my new vacuum cleaner stopped working after one day. The representative asked whether I had tried turning it off and on again. I said yes, but …

I returned a self-help book because it made me feel judged. The cashier asked whether I had read it. I said I got as far as the table of contents, and it already had a chapter c…

My dog can recognize the sound of the treat jar from three rooms away. He can also recognize me opening my laptop, so he brings me a toy and sits beside me until I start working…

My smart doorbell now sends me an alert every time someone approaches the house. Yesterday, it notified me that I was standing outside my own front door. I had to let it in beca…

I tried teaching my cat to fetch, but she ignored the toy and brought me a receipt from 2019. Apparently, she has been waiting for me to explain the purchase.

I called customer service because my Wi-Fi kept dropping every evening. The technician asked me to stand beside the router and describe the problem. Apparently, my dramatic sigh…

I returned a blender because it was not powerful enough. The customer service clerk asked what I had tried blending. I said, Mostly frozen fruit and one difficult conversation.

I returned a blender because it made a terrible noise and never actually blended anything. The clerk tested it, nodded thoughtfully, and offered me a replacement. I said I wante…

I called customer service to ask about a mystery charge on my bill. After forty minutes of hold music, an agent finally answered and said, I can help with that—but first, could …

At the library, I asked for a book on how to stop procrastinating. The librarian said it was due back yesterday. I said, Perfect—now I have a deadline to ignore.

My grandfather bought a smartwatch to monitor his health. After one week, it congratulated him on his excellent heart rate and then asked if he wanted directions back to the yea…

My smart doorbell recognizes every delivery driver, but not me. Apparently, I need to arrive holding a package before my own house considers me trustworthy.

I called customer service to complain that my internet kept cutting out. The representative put me on hold, and the hold music was so clear and reliable that I asked if I could …

I called customer service because my new alarm clock kept going off five minutes early. The representative said that was not a defect—it was the clock trying to build a relation…