The Internet's Sharpest Humor Archive.

My new smart thermostat asked if I was home, so I said yes. It lowered the temperature, locked the app, and sent me a notification: Great, then you can get up and fix it yourself.

I called customer service because my new robot vacuum kept getting stuck under the sofa. The representative asked if I had tried turning it off and on again. I said, Yes, but no…

I bought a smart doorbell that recognizes faces and announces deliveries. It has learned to distinguish my family from strangers, but it still calls me Unknown Person every time…

I called customer service because my blender had stopped working. The representative asked me to describe the problem, so I explained that it made a terrible noise and threw fru…

The self-checkout asked if I found everything I needed. I pressed yes, and it immediately called an employee over to verify I was emotionally stable enough to leave.

My dentist asked whether I floss regularly, so I told him I do it every time I am about to visit him. He nodded and said that was better than most patients. Then he added that f…

I called customer service because my package was marked delivered, but it was nowhere on my porch. The representative asked me to check with the neighbors, the mailbox, and anyo…

I bought a smart doorbell that recognizes everyone who visits my house. Yesterday, it sent me an alert saying, Unfamiliar person detected on your porch. It was me, and honestly,…

My smart fridge started sending me wellness reminders. First it suggested more vegetables, then more water, and finally it locked the door until I made eye contact with a carrot.

I called customer service because my internet kept cutting out, and the automated system asked me to describe the problem in one word. I said unstable, and it put me on hold wit…

I called tech support because my printer was refusing to print anything. The agent asked me to check whether it had paper, ink, and a stable connection. I said it had all three,…

I bought a self-help book that promised to eliminate procrastination in thirty days. I put it on my nightstand so I would have something to read once I became the kind of person…

I bought a smart scale that connects to my phone and tracks my progress. After one week, the app stopped showing my weight and started recommending nearby furniture stores. Appa…

I called customer service because my new phone kept freezing. The representative asked me to describe the problem, so I said, It freezes every time I try to use it. She replied,…

My smart fridge has started judging my eating habits. Every time I open it after midnight, the light comes on and the camera points straight at the leftover cake. I do not need …

I called customer service to complain that my internet had been down all morning. After forty minutes of hold music, the representative asked me to verify my identity by naming …

I installed a smart lock that recognizes everyone who enters my house. Yesterday, it looked at me, paused, and asked for identification. Even my front door thinks I am just the …

I called customer service because my new vacuum cleaner kept turning off after ten minutes. The representative asked whether anything unusual happened right before it stopped. I…

My neighbor and I stopped speaking after an argument about where the property line was. We hired a surveyor, who spent three hours measuring everything and then asked us to spli…

My manager asked me to be more proactive, so I emailed the whole team announcing that I would start taking initiative. I’m waiting for everyone’s feedback before deciding what i…

I returned a blender because it was too loud, and the customer-service agent asked whether I had tried using it on a quieter setting. I said I had not realized appliances came w…

I called customer service because my vacuum kept stopping halfway through cleaning. The representative asked whether it made any unusual noises, so I said, Not really, but it do…

At my annual review, my manager praised my ability to stay calm under pressure. Then he added a surprise deadline, and I watched my career demonstrate the same skill by quietly …