The Internet's Sharpest Humor Archive.

My daughter asked why our family keeps a drawer full of takeout menus. I told her they were emergency plans. She opened it and said, Dad, these are just your retirement investme…

I called customer service because my vacuum was making a strange noise. The agent asked me to describe it, so I said it sounded like it was judging me. She put me on hold, then …

I called customer service because my new vacuum cleaner kept stopping halfway through the living room. The representative asked me to check whether anything was blocking it, so …

Our new manager announced that the office was moving to a culture of radical transparency, so everyone could finally speak honestly. The next morning, he installed glass walls a…

I returned a jacket because the pockets were too small. The cashier asked what I had tried to put in them. I said, My hands, and now I’m worried the jacket is judging my entire …

I called customer service to complain that my delivery was three days late. After forty minutes on hold, the representative apologized and said they would transfer me to the dep…

My phone suggested I take a break from screens, so I turned it off. Thirty seconds later, it called my emergency contact to report that I was being unusually independent.

At the airport, I pressed the assistance button on a self-check-in kiosk. A customer-service employee arrived, stared at the screen, and pressed it too. Apparently, the machine …

My dog learned to ring the doorbell when he wants to come inside. He waits by the window until I open the door, then immediately walks to the back door. Apparently, I am not his…

I returned a blender because it made a terrible noise and the customer-service clerk asked whether I had tried turning it off and on again. I said yes, but now it just screams m…

I told the self-checkout machine that I was having a terrible day, and it asked whether I wanted to continue with my purchase. I said yes, because apparently even my breakdown n…

My smart fridge sent me a notification saying I had not opened the vegetable drawer in six days. I was offended until it sent a follow-up saying it had stopped expecting growth …

I tried returning a sweater because it made me look like a poorly wrapped gift. The cashier examined it, sighed, and said the sweater was fine—the problem was that I kept wearin…

I called customer service because my package had been marked delivered, but nothing was on my porch. The representative asked me to check with my neighbors, so I did—and discove…

I bought a smart alarm clock that learns my sleep schedule. After three nights, it stopped ringing and displayed a message: You clearly need this more than I do.

I took my cat to the vet because she kept staring at an empty corner. The vet said cats sometimes notice things humans miss. Now I stare at the corner too, because I’m not payin…

I called customer service because my new smart speaker kept misunderstanding me. After ten minutes of troubleshooting, the agent asked whether I had tried speaking more clearly.…

I called customer service because the hold music had been playing for twenty minutes. When an agent finally answered, I asked if my problem was fixed. She said, I cannot say yet…

I tried returning a shirt because it made me look like I had given up. The clerk accepted it immediately, then explained that the attitude was nonrefundable.

I bought a planner to organize my life. It had sections for goals, habits, and things to stop procrastinating. I filled in the first page and scheduled a break to recover from t…

I called customer service to report that my internet was slow. The representative put me on hold, and after ten minutes came back to say the problem was probably my patience. I …

I called customer service to cancel a subscription I never remembered signing up for. After twenty minutes of hold music, the representative asked me to rate the experience. I g…

I called customer service because my new vacuum cleaner kept stopping halfway through the living room. The representative asked me to check whether the power cord was plugged in…